The “thou-shalt-not” approach to child rearing is problematic. You know, the type of parents who live in constant paranoia:
- You can’t watch this!
- You can’t read that!
- Take those clothes off!
- Don’t talk to that boy!
- Don’t say that word!
- No piercings!
- No tattoos!
- No cigarettes!
- No drinking!
- No thinking on your own!
Okay, so I threw that last one in. But you get the drift. The list of rules that parents enforce upon their kids can be endless. As I’ve written before, in a piece entitled Parenting Pitfall: Overreacting, this often relates to the parent’s bad upbringing and experiences, and a genuine desire to keep their kids from going down the same path. However, as a result, the parents often become overly restrictive and end up transferring their own hang-ups to their children.
We had some friends with a boatload of daughters, and their Mother used to rant about the leash she had on her girls. They were not allowed to wear make-up or date boys, and they had a strict curfew. As you can imagine, that experiment went terribly awry. The girls eventually rebelled and spiraled into Brittney Spears-like drama that shattered the family. But how many times have you heard that story?
So Mike, are you suggesting we should have no rules and let our kids do whatever the heck they want?
Let me answer with an example. When our kids were young, we used to have a silly little book called What’s Happening to Me (A Guide to Puberty). It had cartoon illustrations of the human anatomy and talked about simple sexuality. Sure, the kids sometimes snickered. But having a platform to address the uncomfortable issue, and not being afraid to do so, proved wise. Contrast this with the parents who refuse to let their kids even say the word
penis.
My thinking was, if they didn’t hear it from us, they’d hear it from some punk who’d heard it from his big brother who’d heard it from his friend who’d read it on the internet. Sure, when a grown-up saw the book on our kids’ bookshelf we got interrogated. And sometimes, our kids said the word
penis
in public, which twisted lotsa knickers. But from my perspective, too many adults — mainly Christian adults — are so uptight about their own sexuality, they cannot help but transfer their own dysfunction and paranoia to their children.
There’s a balance between Law and Grace; setting parameters and then letting our kids test them, and being there to walk them through the consequences. The paranoid parent, on the other hand, emphasizes Law — “thou shalt not!” — and, as a result, generates rebels.
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Last summer when Mark and Erik were helping me move in with Meme and Jake, we came across that book, What’s Happening to Me?
We all got a good laugh out of it.
But I’m glad we had that book when we were kids. It helped me to not be so uncomfortable and sneaky when talking about puberty and sex and other related topics.
You’ll be happy to hear that if you ask Theo where his penis is at he’ll point to it.
I had a friend whose parents were the paranoid type. And she rebelled big time. (though she also grew up and turned out OK) My parents weren’t so rigid, though I still rebelled some. But the communication lines stayed open and I don’t think it was so extreme.
We’ve never been real strict, but our kids also knew what was expected in terms of behavior. We know their friends and where they are. Our kids have generally honored our trust of them, so I think it’s worked out. I think it’s really helped to keep the lines of communication open. I’ve always wanted my kids to be able to make the right choices because they know what’s right, not because we told them to.
LOL!
I’m real open with my girls. They know the technical words and the easier-to-say words.
When we were first married in the 80’s there was this huge movement to ONLY teach your children the “correct” names of all their anatomy … b/c then the kids wouldn’t get weiner mixed up with … Anyway. I never got it mixed up.
I tell my kids all the names of stuff that I know. I want them to hear it from me, first. I’m not of the group that would rather wait till their children come to them asking. By the time kids get the nerve to ask about something that’s never been discussed, they’ve learned far more than we care for them to know. I’d rather tell it like it is, let them hear it from me first, and move on.
(I never got confused btw Jesus and Santa and Jesus and the Easter Bunny, either. My kids seem to know the difference. But I hear that gets really confusing for some.)