Paranoid Parenting

The “thou-shalt-not” approach to child rearing is problematic. You know, the type of parents who live in constant paranoia:

• You can’t watch this!
• You can’t read that!
• Take those clothes off!
• Don’t talk to that boy!
• Don’t say that word!
• No piercings!
• No tattoos!
• No cigarettes!
• No drinking!
• No thinking on your own!

Okay, so I threw that last one in. But you get the drift. The list of rules that parents enforce upon their kids can be endless. As I’ve written before, in a piece entitled Parenting Pitfall: Overreacting, this often relates to the parent’s bad upbringing and experiences, and a genuine desire to keep their kids from going down the same path. However, as a result, the parents often become overly restrictive and end up transferring their own hang-ups to their children.

We had some friends with a boatload of daughters, and their Mother used to rant about the leash she had on her girls. They were not allowed to wear make-up or date boys, and they had a strict curfew. As you can imagine, that experiment went terribly awry. The girls eventually rebelled and spiraled into Brittney Spears-like drama that shattered the family. But how many times have you heard that story?

So Mike, are you suggesting we should have no rules and let our kids do whatever the heck they want?

Let me answer with an example. When our kids were young, we used to have a silly little book called What’s Happening to Me (A Guide to Puberty). It had cartoon illustrations of the human anatomy and talked about simple sexuality. Sure, the kids sometimes snickered. But having a platform to address the uncomfortable issue, and not being afraid to do so, proved wise. Contrast this with the parents who refuse to let their kids even say the word

penis.

My thinking was, if they didn’t hear it from us, they’d hear it from some punk who’d heard it from his big brother who’d heard it from his friend who’d read it on the internet. Sure, when a grown-up saw the book on our kids’ bookshelf we got interrogated. And sometimes, our kids said the word

penis

in public, which twisted lotsa knickers. But from my perspective, too many adults — mainly Christian adults — are so uptight about their own sexuality, they cannot help but transfer their own dysfunction and paranoia to their children.

There’s a balance between Law and Grace; setting parameters and then letting our kids test them, and being there to walk them through the consequences. The paranoid parent, on the other hand, emphasizes Law — “thou shalt not!” — and, as a result, generates rebels.

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