Gina Holmes is not one to avoid tough issues. Her third novel, Wings of Glass, is no exception. The story centers around an abusive relationship and the troubled psychology of the woman who can’t wrench herself free. Wings of Glass released February 2013 and has already earned a starred review from Library Journal, a Romantic Times Top Pick and a Southern Indie Bookseller’s Okra Pick. Gina graciously took time to answer some questions about her new novel and the subject matter that touches a very personal nerve.
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MIKE: Thanks for visiting, Gina! Your first two novels dealt respectively with a dying mother and a cheating husband, not exactly uplifting subjects. Your latest novel deals with domestic abuse. So does Gina Holmes have a breezy, light-hearted, unabashedly romantic, feel-good novel inside her?
GINA: Not exactly uplifting subjects when you put it THAT way, ha! How about the first , (Crossing Oceans), dealt with forgiveness, love, and sacrifice and the second (Dry as Rain), with reconciliation, being who you really are, and strengthening marriage?
So, I think they were plenty uplifting.
Do I have a breezy, light-hearted, feel-good novel inside of me? Hmmm. I’ve had people tell me I should write chick-lit in the steps of Bridgett Jones’ Diary because I have a snarky wit and some funny insights into human behavior, and I think I could pull it off… maybe… but I don’t see the world that way for the most part.
It may be cliché that God’s light shines the brightest in the darkness, but I’ve found that to be true in my own life. I’ve gone through some tough things in my life, (who hasn’t?), but God’s gifted me with the ability to truly understand a lot about the human condition and it isn’t usually pretty, but I see God’s hand in everything—His grace, His love, His providence.
MIKE: Your three novels obviously deal with gritty, realistic subjects and, on occasion, you get flak for dealing with such issues. Why do you think Christian readers have difficulty with such “heavy” subject matter? Shouldn’t Christian fiction be more uplifting and inspirational?
GINA: I don’t get a lot of flak, believe it or not. I get some, but even then the lighter reads get criticized so that just comes with the territory. What I do get are a lot of behind the scenes thank you’s for taking on real subjects that real people are struggling with.
There is definitely a market for lighter stories, but that’s not what I write. I struggle with real issues and I know readers do too. My niche is that area. It’s sort of self-help fiction in that, (I hope), readers don’t just get an entertaining story, but also a takeaway that changes their life for the better. I think my books are inspirational. Even in death, there is hope. How much more inspiration could you ask for?
MIKE: Wings of Glass is about a Christian woman in an abusive relationship. From your experience, is domestic abuse a big issue in the Church? If so, why, and why isn’t it discussed more openly?
GINA: Great question and I’m glad you asked. It’s a HUGE issue. Not just in the church but everywhere. Emotional abuse runs rampant throughout our society (and I suspect societies everywhere). Just because a person isn’t having their arm broken does not mean they’re not being abused. Everyone seems to understand that if you come to church, or work with a black eye, you need to remove yourself from that situation, but when your spouse is cutting you with words, we tend to have less sympathy. The biggest problem I think lies with those in good relationships. They think that when a person is hinting things aren’t okay at home, that they’re dealing with the same issues that every marriage does, like not picking up socks, or hogging the TV or whatever. They haven’t walked a mile in an abuse victim’s shoes and can’t understand it. I’m praying Wings of Glass will help some finally understand what can go on behind closed doors.
MIKE: Some reviewers appeared to struggle with Wings of Glass on the grounds that it sends mixed messages to abused women. One reviewer knocked off stars because she couldn’t “understand or relate with the excuses that battered women make.” Another says, “While [the husband’s] abusive behavior is not condoned… some of the other thoughts in the book stick to the idea that the man is in charge.” So does Wings of Glass send “mixed messages”? Did you purposely avoid a cut-and-dried answer to the protag’s situation?
GINA: Did I intend to give mixed messages? Absolutely. That was the toughest part of writing this book. In the Christian faith, abuse isn’t dealt with as clearly as say infidelity. I struggled with this question of can I divorce as a Christian and no matter where I looked in the Bible there was no get out of jail free card, with the exception of separation. My own answer came in the form of personal wrestling with God and ultimately, I didn’t have to make the decision myself. It was made for me (my ex divorced me). I think everyone has to come to their own conclusions and so I presented both sides of the argument for and against divorce in the book through characters, never answering the question for the reader. Each of us must give an account to God and I have no desire to answer for anyone else.
As far as the man being in charge, the Bible is clear on the husband being the head of the household, so if someone has a problem with that, they can take it up with Him. The question comes in when the husband is not doing his Biblical duty in loving his wife as Christ loved the church. It’s easy to let a man like that lead. When he’s not being the husband God commanded him to be, this changes things. Again, this is for each to wrestle with on their own. I hope I give the readers a lot to ponder.
MIKE: So what do you think those reviewers who were critical of the book were missing?
It saddens me that someone could read Wings and still not get it. If you grew up in an emotionally healthy home, you’re much less likely to end up in an abusive relationship because your thinking hasn’t been twisted. Those who stay in abusive relationships didn’t start with a level playing field. I tried my best to explain the thought process of a victim, always hoping, always trying to make it work, making excuses and why… I don’t condone that kind of thinking but I do understand it because I lived it. I really tried to help the readers live it through Penny too. Not everyone’s going to get it. That’s okay, there’s more than one way for God to skin that cat.
MIKE: So how does the stigma of divorce and the traditional view of “male dominance” contribute to domestic abuse in Christian relationships? I mean, it almost seems like the Church can unintentionally perpetuate abusive relationships by over-emphasizing reconciliation or forgiveness. Am I wrong?
GINA: When I was in an abusive marriage, some Christians I sought 
counsel from seemed to have a one-track mind: Stay married at any cost. It doesn’t matter if you’re being beat down. It doesn’t matter if your husband is no husband. It just mattered that you stay married. It becomes very legalistic feeling and not seeing the forest for the trees. Unfortunately, I’ve been guilty of this as well.
I had a coworker who was discussing divorce and without knowing she was being terribly abused, at least emotionally, I tried to talk her into working it out. I later realized just how bad things were for her and her children—unbearable.
Codependency is practically encouraged in many churches and boundaries may as well be a four-letter word. I think this isn’t meant to be malicious, it’s just ignorance. I encourage everyone to get a copy of “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend, even if you don’t think you have boundary problems. I bought it thinking others around me had boundary issues and wanted to know how to better deal with them. It helped that, but I also realized I had boundary problems too. That book should be required reading for everyone. It’s a life changer.
As far as the stigma of divorce goes, I don’t think it exists like it once did. People are still whispering about it, but they don’t need to. Most people aren’t judging you and if they are, that’s on them. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
MIKE: What would you say to the Christian woman who remains in an abusive relationship because she doesn’t want to be an “unsubmissive wife” and bring shame upon herself through separation or divorce?
GINA: Someone recently said to me that God cares even more about the souls within the marriage than the marriage itself. I think that’s true.
It will seem very self-serving but I’d give this woman a copy of Wings of Glass, and Boundaries, and Codependent No More. That might be enough to change her thought process. I’d also ask her to consider what she would do if her daughter, (or son), told her that she/he were being abused, would she tell that child to stay in the marriage? I’m guessing not. That’s not God’s plan for anyone I don’t think. God loves us more than we love our own children. The Bible does clearly allow separation and I would recommend that until things can be sorted out with counseling, rehab or ultimately divorce.
MIKE: This reviewer described your book as “a feminist novel”? And you say…?
GINA: I laughed when I read that because it had Christian and feminist in the same sentence or paragraph. Not something you see every day.
The definition of feminist is one who supports feminism. The definition of feminism is: “the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.” So, yeah, I guess it is. The Bible gives men and women different roles but in no way are they unequal.
MIKE: What advice would you give to a Christian artist, writer, or filmmaker who wants to probe more difficult, controversial subject matter but is fearful of the criticism they might receive from other believers?
GINA: Surprisingly, Christians aren’t half as judgmental as we fear they are. When I went through divorce, I was afraid of being outted. When I was, I received nothing but support and love. My books have done quite well when many thought they wouldn’t because of the tougher storylines. I think there’s been a huge shift in authenticity among Christian writers and few of us these days, (at least in my circles) are pretending to be perfect or holier than though, so please, minister to people. They’re hungry for it.
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You can find out more about Gina Holmes, her books and upcoming appearances at her website. Thanks so much, Gina!
Good stuff. I live in China and my Chinese wife tells me stories all the time about her friends or friends of friends who stay in abusive and/or unfaithful relationships. I’m shocked when I hear the excuses that these women make, but I can also understand that for many, if not most people, there is nothing worse than being alone, and any excuse is better than pulling that (figurative) trigger and saying “Enough.”
Respect to Mrs. Holmes for throwing some much needed salt into the sugar sappy Christian fiction market.
Mike, thanks so much for having me on. You ask great questions! Mark, I imagine it is very shocking for a healthy person to hear the excuses women make and it’s frustrating even when you, yourself, once made the same excuses. Thanks for your comment. How interesting that you live in China. I’d love to hear more about that sometime.
At least in terms of relationships, China is not the idyllic close-knit family dreamland that Westerners often think it is. There’s rampant infidelity almost to the point of normalcy (if you’re too poor to keep a mistress, it’s a loss of face), marriages are often arranged by families for monetary reasons and social status, and divorce is frowned upon so women stay in loveless, neglected marriages that they weren’t too thrilled about in the first place. The same goes for men too, shackled to shrill, worrisome wives who unconsciously emulate their busybody mothers and stress everyone out.
I’m lucky that my wife is a gem amongst the gravel, but I feel bad for a lot of couples that started off on the wrong foot and just kept hobbling along.
Love the way you tackle these issues head-on, but with a Biblical worldview, Gina. And yes, Christians are hungry for MORE in their literature. Deeper relationships–including married relationships, which seem to be the trickiest of ALL. Here’s hoping Christian publishers continue producing books that tackle deeper themes like the ones you write about–themes that address issues their readers deal with every day.
Thanks Heather. You’ve always been so supportive!
Although it’s noteworthy that you tackle heavy subjects, I find the book cover to be highly disturbing and would probably not purchase the book at first sight. I am, no doubt, not your intended audience, anyway. But I did want to give kudos to you for not succumbing to pressure to write a Christian Bridget Jones. Many authors would have given in to that pressure just to keep getting published–or published in the first place. May your endeavors be successful, despite my weird reaction to your book cover. 🙂
How is it disturbing? She’s hugging herself while walking along a railroad track with a butterfly in front of her. I mean, she looks a little old to be eighteen, but I’m curious why the reaction.
Thanks D.M. The story spans a course of about 10 years, so they got her right.
Highly disturbing how? One of my sons had an intense fear of butterflies when he was a young child and would run screaming from them. You just made me remember that. As far as kudos for not giving in to pressure. I’ve never felt much pressure to do anything. I may do a Bridgett Jones type story one day if I so feel led. Thanks for your comment.
It’s creepy. If this were a novel where creepy was an apt descriptor, I’d go with it. But since it isn’t, it makes me suspect that the content will be subversive on some level (which may or may not be true; this is how images affect people, though). It’s creepy because the butterfly looks like a dead leaf–the woman is sprouting from it, yet doesn’t have any legs. So I ask myself, what message is this book really intending to send about women (or, I should say, what message does the publisher intend to send)?
Interesting, Jill. Thanks for explaining. I think the mood is about right. The novel is a bit creepy. Abuse is very creepy. The tone is melancholy and there are some very tough subjects addressed or hinted at: violence, infidelity, sexual abuse, substance abuse. But there is hope. With God, there always is!
Oh and I should add, the no legs thing… I hadn’t picked up on that before you said it, but it’s actually perfect. The symbolism is right for how she sees herself at the beginning of the story. How a lot of victims feel. But it’s false thinking and I address that. I’ll bet you’ve got a fascinating mind and write and pick up on symbolism easily. Not many people do without having it pointed out.
I see. I ask because my taste is so out there at times that I worry I miss cues others see. Especially with fellow believers. Thanks for explaining.
I doubt you miss cues other see, D.M. I’m guessing you pick up on what others don’t and maybe what wasn’t even intended. I’ll bet you have a very rich thought life. There was a show about these people who were really great natural lie detectors, picking up on the subtlest body language and micro expressions. I’ll bet you’re probably good at that kind of thing. It’s a very unique quality to have. And very cool I think .
I have to say that the cover is off-putting to me as well. Seeing a woman on a railroad track just implies “suicidal tendencies” to me. That, coupled with the what-I-perceive-as-a-moth, implies to me that this is a woman who is drawn to the flame and is self-destructive. As a general rule I am disinclined to read books about the self-destructive.
That’s interesting, Katherine. I love, love, love the cover. But it’s subjective. I’m drawn to these types of covers , because I’m drawn to gritty story lines. I’ve lived a gritty life. You’re right that it smacks of self-destruction and that’s very true of this character, at least for most of the story. I guess we could have gone a different direction and had the happy ending on the cover but I’m quite pleased with it as is. It’s my favorite so far.
I know from _Crossing Oceans_ that while I think you’re a very skilled writer, you and I are drawn to diametrically different types of stories. That’s not a bad thing; some folks enjoy exploring the dark and coming out the other side. I don’t so much; I can in a limited way, but only in Fantasy novels and then only rarely. So I’m sure that while I’m not the audience for the book there is a substantial one. Of course I now plan on reading it because I’d like to see how you deal with the issue of abuse, but I’ll be reading it without my “escapism” hat on. 🙂
I think this might be a case of a trope or visual symbol changing. There’s an old trope where a person walks along the railroad tracks, often with their possessions tied up in a kerchief and bound to a stick. You can see it in older films; a good example would be Disney’s The Aristocats. It can symbolize a lonely journey. Many kids would also walk on or along those tracks, but because of modern media and the focus on trains as a way of suicide, the associations are mostly negative now. People no longer follow the tracks when they journey.
I tied a handkerchief to a stick or two as a child while threatening to run away and always had that picture in my head. I think the negative association is right on this novel. It really does visually say where she’s at emotionally. She’s not suicidal, but she’s depressed. She doesn’t know she’s self destructive, but she is. And if the butterfly looks like a moth, that works too. She is drawn to fire for sure and it burns her. This discussion reminds me of the advertising class I took and how they put subliminal messages into ads. You probably saw the same picture of an ice cube in a glass of scotch blown up and I think it was a skull and cross bones or something. It was a loooooooong time ago, but I think the reasoning was that they wanted to be perceived as dangerous (and exciting) if I’m remembering right.
Anna Karenina isn’t exactly modern…. 🙂
Do you mean women have always been drawn to the antihero? Probably so. Jane Eyre comes to mind as well. It’s interesting to dissect why that is. I wish I could get through to my children that what you say is generally what you get. You’re the only one you can really change.
I’m sorry, Gina. I was responding to D.M.’s assertion that the association of rails with suicide was a comparatively new one. 🙂
As to women being drawn to the anti-hero….at least Jane runs away from Rochester and lets him fix his own problems. And in St. John Rivers we have the perfect “hero” revealing his own foibles. That’s a brilliant piece of writing right there.
So many modern authors wouldve had Jane marry Rochester as soon as she found out about Blanche.
Jane Eyre, only the best romance novel ever. I really need to reread that soon.
Well, a woman being tied to the train tracks wasn’t either, but that wasn’t the only idea of the tracks people had. It’s just in modern times, all we hear of trains seems to be them derailing or someone dying because of them, and we assume anyone walking along the tracks may be suicidal. The idea of someone running away just walking along them to find another town is alien to us.
If you want another, even more drastic illustration of the idea, read Return to Witch Mountain or any Robert Bellairs novel, and you will find a culture so comfortable with Catholic priests that they thought nothing of children traveling with a priest either to undo a curse (Bellairs,) or to find their real home (Return.) The symbolism no longer works, because of the constant negative associations of the scandal in recent years.
This is a wonderful interview! As a pastor’s wife, I often have a front row seat to the dysfunction that happens in marriage–trust me, it is a LOT more complicated than our easy paradigms and comfortable answers. So much of the abuse that happens is subtle and hard to detect until it’s too late –and even the abuser can’t always recognize the depth of the damage he is doing. I hope your book helps people gain an insider’s view on the complexity of abusive situations, and that in the end, we’ll all walk with more grace and compassion toward those who are caught in them.
I’ll bet you’ve got some stories. Thanks for your comment. You nailed it on the head of what I hope to accomplish… grace, compassion and understanding. We all need more of it.
This doesn’t sound like a “feminist novel.” A feminist would probably not believe that the man was the “head” of the wife or the household, like the Bible says.
Once I looked up feminist, I guess it fits the literal definition. That word has taken on a life of its own. Kind of like “gay” used to mean happy.
Your definition of feminist is the one I’ve always known and agreed with.
And ‘Biblical submission’? I suspect a lot of men confuse submission in marriage with subjugation, as well as ignoring the whole ‘love your wife as Christ loved the Church’ thing.
Yes, some definitely do.
I am a feminist. I believe that the man is the head of the household just as Christ is the head of the Church. I also believe that the man is to love and provide SACRIFICIALLY for the family just as Christ does the Church.
Being the “head” isn’t all just lording things over everyone else. It’s actually a position of extreme servanthood.
Well, now I want to read the book.
Especially after reading the review you linked to–the Compulsive Reader review–I really want to read the book. Simply because the writing sounds lovely.
Sally, you don’t have a copy? That should be rectified. Are you still doing reviews?
Oh and I LOVED the review she wrote. She really got it. One of my favorites.
A whole lot of truth packed into one brief interview.
Agree that Christian publishing is more open to deeper themes than previously, but not everyone who tackles the deep subjects can do so with real psychological insight and nuance. Incoporating pornography, or alcoholism, or spousal abuse, or spiritual abuse as a plot device is not the same as illuminating the impact these issues have on real human lives.
We need more Gina’s!!
And I wish there were more Alan’s. Ha. Thanks for that.
I really enjoyed this interview and I’m planning to pick up a copy of this book, even a bit reluctantly. I’d heard the rave reviews about your first two books, Gina, but honestly, I tend to pick up light reads and suspense/thrillers–since I read for the joy of escapism. I also write light reads for the same reason (although I’ve had alcoholics, cheaters, and such within their pages) . But I still get that “light” label for some reason. Anyway…
I know at least two Christian women who sound much like the heroine in your book. It hurts me to know that they’re staying in emotionally abusive marriages where the husband cannot–or will not–pick up the role they were meant to take. My husband isn’t perfect, but he admits where he falls and tries, and goes on. He doesn’t abuse me, either, I should addd. But these women are “trapped” for the sake of keeping everyone else happy. Is divorce an easy out? No, it shouldn’t be, and unfortunately many Christians haven’t been taught relationship skills beyond “the wife should submit” and that’s it.
Okay, I correct myself. I have one friend who finally decided to divorce her husband because of the abuse she silently and secretly endured for many years. I’m proud of her. She’s flying. 🙂
Lynette, I’ll take “reluctant”. You know what’s funny, with Crossing Oceans and this one, I’ve had several reviewers say they were “light reads” or “brain candy” and not to expect anything too deep. I scratch my head. Maybe it’s because I read once that we should write on a 6th grade level and something about that struck me. That and the fact that I tried to read a book once that was so highly recommended and it gave me a migraine trying to understand it. I don’t know. I pick up lighter reads between a bunch of heavier ones. I’m glad they’re out there. As far as your friends go… Boundaries, baby. Can’t recommend it enough.
Wow, that IS funny. I don’t think complex language means a book will have anything significant to say. I mean, Dr. Seuss got plenty deep with “Oh, The Places You’ll Go.” I had enough of “complex” during high school advanced junior and senior lit. Plenty for me. and yes, boundaries! They are our friends.
Have you read the book? Codependent No More is also life-changing. If only church’s would give copies of those two in pre-marital counseling. Or better yet, anyone that applies for a marriage license, Christian or not. Yeah, on the “light” thing… I worked as a nurse and would listen to doctors diagnose patients with stuff as serious as cancer or as treatable as certain STDs and they would speak over the patient’s heads. When the doctor left, I’d have to translate. The smartest docs were the ones who would speak on the 6th grade level, because they understood it was imperative that they were actually understood. What good is a great message if most can’t comprehend it.
Yes, I read that one. It’s a good one. Boundaries, too. My mother once said they should make it more difficult to get married, if people *really* knew what they were getting into. I work in the medical editing field and I see things from the other side of the desk. Now that my mother-in-law is a brain cancer patient, I am amazed at how much the medical world talks over people–or doesn’t tell them anything at all.
One of my biggest pet peeves as a nurse… that and not believing the patient knows themselves better than we do.
Just before Christmas I read a “romance” by a Christian-identified writer aimed at the general market. The male protagonist was outright abusive to the female, albeit he never hit her. Still, it was the same old verbal wounding (he called her a whore, among other loudly-shouted things) followed by dramatic gesture and profuse apology that is a hallmark of abusers everywhere. When I went to GoodReads to express my dismay the majority of reviews were about how wonderfully _romantic_ it all was.
I kid you not.
Verbal and emotional abuse are huge issues in our culture, especially in the subculture of the evangelical church. Girls are brought up to be nonthreathening; the message is driven home constantly that boys are on a hair trigger and a good Christian girl must be “modest” and quiet and meek and all those other things that miscommunicate to Christian woman. Sexual modesty is a good thing, but not because we are excusing males to be rampaging animals. Circumspect behaviour is a good thing, but not because we are excusing males to be rampaging animals. Christian womanhood should be celebrated without the automatic exoneration of the abusive partner.
I’m so glad to see that a novel aimed at this culture is addressing one of the culture’s big issues.
Katherine, you raise a good point. I was just at a multiple author signing and we were discussing what’s hot in the literary world right now and why. One of the trends in YA and romance seems to be abusive men. They’re sexy apparently. I’m sure that all makes for hot sheets, but fast forward down the line a few years, and suddenly the picture isn’t quite so warm. What are we teaching our sons and daughters?
I think the whole “anti-hero” character is attractive to a lot of readers. The gritty, tough-on-the-outside, tortured male character who “we just know” is good on the inside, if “she” can “change him.” No, “she” shouldn’t try to set herself up for heartbreak and dysfunction that way. I’ve written the anti-hero before, but had him realize he needed *help* before he was ready to commit to a relationship, not after the fact. Because relationships like that are almost always doomed, unless a miracle happens. (kicking soapbox to the side for now, LOL!)
When I ranted about this to my feminist friends, they instantly came back with “Beauty and the Beast.”
I guess it’s an old story in a new wineskin or whatever. It’s still repellent to me and I can’t believe that we’re actually peddling it as an ideal.
Definitely a recipe for an unhappy relationship and possibly life. Not only for the person trying to change the other person but also for the person who she/he’s trying to change. What you see is almost always what you get.
Please, stay ON that soapbox. Our young women need a big reality check and as writers, that’s part of our job. I wrote the anti-hero in Dry as Rain and maybe that’s why I’m not as fond of that one as the others. shhh. He changed, but do most? That’s not the reality I’ve experienced.
Let’s see, get three books: Boundaries, Codependent No More, and, wait a minute, Gina’s book is the only one I am missing.
Glad that you have those, Cherry. If I were rich I’d buy Boundaries for everyone and Codependent No More for many. 🙂
Dear Gina,
Thank you for writing this book. I am placing it on my list of books to read because I want to see how you handle the subject. I grew up in a home filled with abuse – not only was my mother beaten, but I was sexually and emotionally abused. Both parents were alcoholics. My mother felt stuck because of her eighth grade education. As I’ve been writing my memoir, I learned through my sister-in-law that my mother used me to keep my father from running out on the family, the real reason she never intervened in the incest.
You are right. People do not know the depth abuse damages a person. I’ve seen people counsel other Christians about staying in their abusive relationship. God never meant a person to stay in a life-threatening situation. God can heal a relationship, even the worst kind. I’ve seen real miracles that way. But God would want both parties safe as they deal with their issues.
The memoir I’m writing is more gritty than most Christian publishers would like. I’m writing honestly right now and figure I can tone down some stuff if necessary. My story is also written for non-believers. I want them to realize I know the pain of abuse. I’m hoping by sharing the kinds of ways I chose to try and self-destruct in retaliation – drugs, occult,and a wild lifestyle, that they will read to the happy ending. Hopefully they will be inspired to seek real healing and meet God the Father (the non-abusive father). I was able to forgive my abusers and move on, not bringing my past into my present life.
While some Christians do not want to see this (wanting cozy romances and mysteries) and nothing that would clog their mind with unChristian images, there is a necessity to see what is really happening out there in the world. My pastor’s wife told me that reading my rough draft has been helpful to her in counseling others.
I am glad you chose to write such an honest book and I pray that it helps many readers.
Have a blessed day.
Heather, I’m so sorry you went through that. It hurts my soul. Thank you for writing your story down, it’s an important one. You’re right, many don’t want to read such ugliness and I come across that too, but they’re not who you’re ministering too. God seems to use those of us who’ve been there to minister to others who are there because we know. I think I love Him so intensely because He brought me out of so much. He did the impossible all for me–brought that little girl through a horrible situation into full healing and burdened me to help others get there too. How amazing He is! If you haven’t read the books I suggested, Boundaries and Codependent No More, please do. They were the key to the final stages of healing for me. Bless you for sharing that, Heather. Praying for your success!
I can’t believe how well I modeled co-dependency for my children. There’s no taking it back, no asking God for a do-over for what children witness. But we do have a sovereign and loving God, whose arm is never too short to complete the work He began in us and in them.
Thank you for digging into an important issue, Gina.
Normandie, I know those regrets too. I’m lucky in that I realized it before my children were fully grown, but they had plenty of years before the light came on for me. You’re right, if God can heal us, He is certainly able to do it for our children too. You’re still an example to them, so you getting healthy is helping them too. Thanks for sharing that. It might be a wake up call to someone putting off dealing with issues. Now is the time.
Gina,
I haven’t read every question here, so forgive me if I’m repeating. If you don’t mind, could you tell us where your own church leadership was in your situation? Did they know about your husband’s behavior, and did they confront him about it?
I’m disturbed at the low level of involvement by many church leaders in confronting members of their congregation who abuse their spouses, children, or other members of the congregation (assuming the behavior can be established).
Kudos for taking on these subjects and writing about issues that face the church. I’m trying to do the same.
Jim, without going into all that with much detail (more than I’m willing to share on a public forum), what I have found in church’s is a lot of assumptions. Particularly when it comes to emotional abuse. “Here’s the name of a Christian counselor. Here’s a marriage retreat we’re sending you to. Shame on those who are divorced, shouldn’t the church be different than the rest of the fallen world and be above all of that? ” etc.
What we need, I think, are classes on how to be good, healthy (emotionally) people. How to fix ourselves. Boundaries (yes, I love this word). No one likes to ask what the problem really is. They just like to talk about how God hates divorce and the statistics and how bad your life will be if you divorce.
I’m not judging anyone more than I do myself. I was guilty as well as I said in my interview. Thanks for the kind words and insightful thoughts.