The Dangers of Micromanaging Your Teenager

Perhaps the hardest thing about raising children is letting them go. I don’t mean this to sound ominous or indifferent. Regarding marriage, Scripture says in several places that “a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Eph. 5:31). This idea of an individual “leaving” the shelter of Mom and Dad is what I’m talking about. In this case, it concerns leaving in order to establish a new bond, a new life. But in reality, growing up is a series of “leavings” (on the child’s end) and “letting gos” (on the parents’ end). At various stages, parenting means letting kids go to make their own decisions, fail, experiment, experience life apart from you, and choose what to believe and disbelieve.

So it puzzles me how many children struggle with leaving their parents’ fold and how many parents struggle with letting their kids do so. This is especially glaring in teenagers with micromanaging parents.

A while back, Lisa and I conducted a workshop at our church on Parenting Teenagers. I can’t think of two words more volatile when placed together than parents and teenagers. Nor can I think of anyone who is a real expert on the subject. I approached that workshop by discussing four phases of parenting. Each of these phases indicates a particular style of parenting:

1. MICROMANAGER
2. MANAGER
3. CONSULTANT / ADVISER
   
4. PARTNER

My theory is that parenting should progress through these different phases. Each of these styles correlates to specific  stages of growth within our children. In the typical family, both parent and child are on growth trajectories. The parent is growing in how to raise their child, while the child is growing within (or challenging) the parameters defined and enforced by their parent. So none of these parenting styles are wrong insofar as they are implemented at the proper stage of the child’s growth.

• Infants / Children require MICRO-MANAGEMENT —This stage is marked by constant attention to health, and behavior. This is the stage where we begin to frame our moral and behavioral expectations for our children. It’s a pretty small window that closes rather quickly.
• Adolescents require MANAGEMENT — This is the stage where we entrust our kids with certain responsibilities and enforce the values we have instilled. Unlike the micro-manager, we don’t need to hawk over them. We should give them a certain amount of freedom to “manage” their own world, but never to the extent that we don’t interject guidance, correction, or affirmation.
• Teenagers / Young Adults require CONSULTATION and ADVICE —  This is the stage where our kids are (or should be) full-fledged managers of their own lives. By now, they should understand moral parameters and societal obligations. We respect their growing independence by posturing ourselves as consultants and advisers, not managers. As such, they are free to take or leave our advice. (Of course, this does not let them off the hook regarding behavior or responsibility, but it affirms their autonomy and our waning authority.)
• Adults require PARTNERSHIP — At this stage, our children are adults and we should treat them like it. Lectures and scolding should be a thing of the past. They must face the harsh consequences of their own decisions or indecision. We should stand shoulder to shoulder with them, not above them as superiors, but as fellow sojourners through life.

Of course, things are never this clear-cut; every child and parental situation is different.  But I believe this paradigm is helpful in thinking about parenting teenagers. From my experience, the biggest problem in parenting teens is in trying to manage and micro-manage their behavior, rather than act as consultants and advisers.

“But my teenager is not capable of managing her own life,” some would object. My response:

1. Then you were remiss in not raising your child to be morally, financially, relationally, and socially responsible.
2. No amount of micro-management will help them now (in fact, it will probably make it worse).

It’s a hard fact, but SOME teenage rebellion is evidence of poor parenting. Of course, not all of it is. Kids aren’t computers that can be programmed to boot up on cue. We and they both need grace. Nevertheless, the reason that some parents resort to micro-managing their teen is in hopes of making up for years of mismanagement on their part. They are fearful of letting go because they never had proper control in the first place.

The micromanaging parent is a parent who is not confident that they’ve laid a proper foundation, fears entrusting their teenager to make the right choice, and does not trust God to handle the outcomes of both. The parent who refuses to let their teen fail, does not entrust them with responsibility, and shields them from the repercussions of their bad choices is micro-managing. Rather than acting as a Consultant, Adviser, or Partner, this parent pries into every detail of their teen’s life, scouring it for evidences of infractions, prepared to swoop in with a safety net or a vacuous threat.

The micromanaged teenager often goes one of two ways:

1. Failure to launch syndrome — because Mom and Dad have coddled them all their life, this teenager has difficulty handling independence and fears venturing too far from the nest
2. Implosion / Rebellion — the bubble of control finally bursts and this teenager goes full-on rebel, spreading their wings in glorious defiance of the parental bean-counters

Yeah, it’s dangerous to treat teenagers as managers of their own lives. Nevertheless, it’s important to admit when some of that “danger” is the result of our own mismanagement. Doubling down on micromanagement is the worst thing the parent of a teen can do. Of course, the other extreme — abandoning the kid to herself — is just as bad. Finding that balance of “letting go” is important. Release your teen to begin making their own decisions. Point them to the runway and give them appropriate nudges (or kicks in the ass) to help them along. Act as a trusty Adviser or a Partner in their new ventures. Forgive yourself and openly admit where you’ve blown it, been too controlling or too lazy. But when it comes to teens, whatever you do, reasserting yourself as their Manager rarely results in health. For you or them.