WARNING: What follows is embarrassing, brutally honest, and best read only by those who enjoy soap operas or train wrecks.
* * *
Last summer (2010), I began experiencing some weird medical problems. I am not a hypochondriac and, on average, see the doctor about once or twice a year. That changed in 2010. I began experiencing severe dizzy spells. Debilitating, occasionally. Sometime after that, it was compounded by tingling and numbness in my hands and feet. Eventually, my entire body. The crown jewel was a visit to Urgent Care one afternoon where I was promptly given a sedative and exhorted to pay attention to my health.
What followed were batteries of tests. Bloodwork, MRI, brain scan, etc. During the process, I’ve seen a neurologist, audiologist, and a dietitian. Along with my regular doctor. After these tests had rolled in, accompanied by significant head-scratching on the part of the professionals, my doctor asked:
Mr. Duran, is there anything that has changed this year in your life? Your diet? Your work? Your living arrangements? Your schedule? Your routine? Anything that may have triggered this?
And then it hit me.
I said, Doc, I am a writer. I have been contracted for two books, one which I am currently attempting to finish. I work 40 hours a week outside my home. I wake up at 3-4 AM every morning and write until I leave for work at 6:30 AM. When I get home at 6 PM, I check emails, mumble at my wife, and attempt to resume writing. You might also want to know that I am obsessive compulsive, an insomniac, a perfectionist, and I feel guilty when I relax.
I didn’t confess that I am also… a blogger.
He leaned back from his computer and squinted. Mr. Duran, stress does strange things to people.
Stress.
OK. So something has to give. Call it a New Year’s resolution if you want. But it’s more than that. This is about lifestyle adjustments and staying out of Urgent Care. This is about juggling two careers without dying. This is about smelling the roses before I’m pushing up daisies.
I HEARBY:
- Give myself permission to miss a day blogging
- Give myself permission to not answer email
- Give myself permission to write something half-ass
- Give myself permission to lie on the couch and watch TV instead of write
- Give myself permission to read whatever I want
- Give myself permission to turn down writing and promotional opportunities
- Give myself permission to embarrass myself and be brutally honest whenever I need to
There — I feel a lot better.
Wow, that is quite the schedule. Any tips on waking your mind up to start writing that early? (other than coffee, I got that one)
Tim, my mind never goes to sleep. Any tips on how I can tuck it in?
If you figure that one out, Mike, please let me know. I’m sort-of working on a post entitled “Sleep or Something Like It.”
And kudos on your decision! You won’t miss a thing and we’ll still come by whenever you post. 🙂
Did the first one a while back. And the second. Third one? As hard as I try, I do that one anyway. Fourth, I could stand to do that more. Fifth, I’m reading about 14 books right now, so I need to do the opposite. Sixth, don’t have those yet. Seventh, scares me.
Good for you, Mike. Same thing for me last year…I was informed if the stress didn’t come down, I was literally headed to blow out a jaw joint from gritting my teeth. I’m looking at alternatives to blogging, I’ve cut back email, and I’m working on remembering how to read for the fun of it instead of for “what will help me most with today’s creative angst.” Sheesh, I mean seriously.
Funny about how the brutal honesty gets caught in the crossfire. But it helps me to hear you say that, because if you can feel it, so can I. Thanks.
~Cat
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Cat. And for the confirmation. Honestly, it is comforting to know that others struggle with stress / OCD-related issues. Blessings to you!
I have to allow myself some down time, or it will become too much. I put my hours on the other end of the day, but if I don’t fit some sleep in somewhere, don’t allow myself to watch a movie, play a game with the kids, what otherwise might appear to be wasted time, I’ll crash and burn. And I’ve done that at least once in the past five years. Pacing ourselves is always the hard part, as we like to push it to the edge.
Hum, where’s that idealic writer’s life of sitting at a beach house on the patio, overlooking the waves of the sea crashing onto the beach, as we lazily type out a page or two before retiring for the day? Hollywood fiction. lol.
Ha! I hear you about the “beach house” mirage, Rick.
But…but…
Who gave YOU the permission to give you permission?
I guess as long as your papers are in order, you probably won’t get caught! 😉
“I feel guilty when I relax.”
I thought I was the only one I knew who felt like this.
Wow, your schedule would turn me into a blubbering mess in less than a week! (And I wish I was kidding!!)
Good for you. Take care of yourself.
I hear you. The phrase that keeps rolling around in my head this year is that in 2011, I want to be “Rested, not ragged”.
I felt very ragged in 2010.
Best wishes to you as you work for that better balance. And to all writers in the same boat.
YAY! Someone else who gets up at 3 Am….
When I first started REALLY writing….ever day, regardless of whether or not I “felt like it”… I put on weight, began having headaches and neckaches, and also experienced the tingling in the arm thing. I had to actually lose weight and start a workout schedule to compliment my writing schedule. Who woulda thunk it?
That’s one thing I’ve kept up, Kevin, is my workout schedule. Sadly, I’ve learned that the treadmill is a great place to mentally rehash my WIP.
Yikes! Back in 2009, I was working as the head counselor at this old summer camp job. Head counselor responsibilities: lead the other counselors in my group (there were five others and two were slackers), watching 40 young children in Kindergarten/First Grade, interacting with parents on a daily basis, and taking responsibility for my counselors’ fuck-ups… both with my boss and the parents.
On the first day, the higher-ups were so unorganized they dumped all the k-1 children who were group-less into MY group. I ended up having 65 kids that day, and 6 counselors. I wanted to rip my hair out and scream by lunch.
That night, I kept waking up after dozing with the sensation that my throat was closing up on me. It continued all throughout that week, and they would flare up whenever I got too worked up for the remainder of the summer (and following years). During the summer I was constantly missing work to go to the hospital for blood work, getting my heart and lungs tested, and none of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with me.
That first day of camp changed my life; I now suffer from lots of panic attacks–all because of stress. Yoga and lots of sleep helps, though 🙂
Enjoyed your current blog. (poked at your old stuff too 🙂 ) Can relate. I don’t write fiction but could imagine it getting pretty stressful to rememember who said what to whom. But I do suffere from NOT being able to shut off my brain. Sleep what is that? Good luck and keep healthy. There may be two books on the line, but there is only ONE YOU! Blessings!
I can relate to this! My first book comes out this year, and I’m contracted for two more. I have a full time job and a two-year-old. The other day I told my husband I was sending the publisher a proposal for a novella collection, and I couldn’t understand why he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. Best of luck with your heath, writing and resolutions!
Balance. I believe the evil one is just as happy when we are overcommitted as he is when we are doing nothing of any eternal significance at all. I learned to politely but firmly say ‘no.’ I learned that if I picked up a new anything (hobby, responsibility, task, chore, passion) something else of equal time / energy expenditure had to go. Makes one brutally honest about sizing up what one devotes one’s time to.
I so relate to this! I’m a full-time worker and writer trying not to lose my sanity. That pretty much sums me up.
I don’t know how anyone works a job outside of writing full time. It sure shows your level of commitment. Best of luck balancing that schedule!
After 2 1/2 years with Multiple Scelrosis and now 1 full year of chronic PNH Shingles I can full attest to what happens when stress passes a point where simple rest offers few lasting results. Even so, it’s all about knowing yourself and managing your own life. Don’t let anyone else’s expecations cause you to ignore what your body is telling you. Will be praying for you brother.
Thank you, Tim.
Insomnia is a killer. I’ve had it since I was a baby, and I just can’t deal with it anymore. Can’t do it. And yet I have to most of the time. And, yes, totally OCD. There’s some kind of special combo of vit D3, magnesium, B vitamins, and calcium, along with balanced seratonin levels that will help anybody relax. I’ve been researching this stuff for years, and sometimes I can get the formula right, and I sleep really well. It’s just that seratonin is a brain chemical and difficult to regulate. I’m so tired at the moment, just thinking about it, that I could cry for you, but that would be melodramatic. I always like to read Psalm 127 and ask God, “Am I not your beloved, Lord?”
“It is vain for you to rise up early,
to sit up late,
to eat the bread of sorrows:
for so he giveth his beloved sleep.”
Love that psalm. This part of it is my website logo: “Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain.”
Take it easy. Let God build your house for you.
Mike! I hope you find the right balance, your health issues are serious. I pray the Lord bless you with peace and the ability to manage your time so well that you have hours to spare. And if that doesn’t help, you can rely on the fact this too shall pass.
BTW, I loved your warning. I’m partial to both.
Now I know where I got it from. Scratch the insomniac part, but maybe thats what I have to look forward too.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Mike. I had no idea you were struggling like this. I know how hard being an author is, and I’m not working full time (outside of writing) or blogging as extensively as you are. I hope you feel better soon. Seriously.