How does a single Christian man meet single Christian women? Of the eligible kind. As a pastor, it was one of the more frequent questions I faced, and one of the more difficult. It’s a dilemma us old married folks 
can easily grow detached from — even insensitive toward.
I hate to admit it, but far too often, I surrendered to the clichéd, “trust God.” It sounds good — and of course it’s true — but there’s so much more to the equation. Does trusting God mean a person shouldn’t read the Singles pages or attend Singles groups? If a person trusts God, shouldn’t they wait for Him to bring someone their way, rather than go hunting? Or maybe that’s presumption. After all, if you’re gonna land a live one, you gotta have a hook in the water.
The topic came up last weekend at a party for CD. Fifteen friends and relatives gathered to celebrate his 24th birthday. The fact that he’s the only single guy in his group is a continued source of jabs and jest. It’s led to awkward blind dates and short-term flameouts. He’s been girlfriendless for about two years now. But he’s a good sport about it. Anyway, someone at the table had to go and suggest he try eHarmony, which drew the expected smirks, snickers and guffaws.
Until a couple said, it worked for them. A Christian couple. A married Christian couple.
I’ve been privileged to perform dozens of marriages. And the way people meet is as varied as the people themselves. But while some see relationships as nothing more than a social construct or a complex 
(sometimes volatile) chemical stew, most attribute their significant other to Sovereignty, or at least, Fate. Yet if real, long-lasting relationships are somehow Destined or Divine, should it matter HOW those people come together?
I can already hear the naysayers, as sincere as they may be: How can a person who wholeheartedly trusts God turn to a matchmaking service for a compatible partner? Doesn’t this take the issue out of God’s hands and put it into the hands of scientists, clinicians and shrinks? Doesn’t this make our relationships more a Formula than a Divine encounter? Hmm. It’s a legitimate point. Nevertheless, Sunday afternoon I met a delightful Christian couple. They met through e-Harmony and were married sometime thereafter. But if you were to ask them, they’d say their relationship was wholly Divine.
Okay, so I’m just noodling, preparing for the day that Chris or Alayna asks me, “Hey Dad, should I try e-Harmony?” At that point, I’ll probably shrug, feign fatherly wisdom and say with confidence, “Trust God.”
i’ve already had people mention that to me, too. i think i need to work out some more before i post a pic at a place like that 😉
http://www.boundlessline.org has a section titled Dating/Courtship, and they have had some pretty heated discussions concerning all dating/courtship issues, including on-line dating. kinda interesting.
since i met my first husband when i was 19, this single world is an interesting phenomena. i would be delighted if someone came up to me and said they have this wonderful man for me to meet, and he is wonderful, and it’s done. the idea of dating does not sound like fun at all to me.
My bro-in-law met his wife through the same service. They seem happy together.
Here’s a mind-blower: If my wife and I entered profiles on e-Harmony, would the “system” match us together now? We are happily married now 25 years.
That’s an interesting question, Mike. My guess is that even incompatible couples can mature beyond their differences. In fact, if we view “compatibility” as the “secret ingredient” to marital health, we can unknowingly diminish our own personal responsibility. Why try to be more patient, humble and loving if we just don’t mesh? I think the old saying is right: It’s not about finding the right person, but being the right person. Of course, if you can do both, more power to ya. . .
My views regarding online dating have evolved. If you’d asked me years ago, I would have been adamantly against it, given the creep factor and how easy it is to invent an identity in cyberspace. But I know several couples who met online (at least one of them through e-Harmony) and they’re all extremely happy. Legitimate services have built-in safeguards to protect their clients.
God works within cultures. I believe throughout history He has used the systems in place to accomplish His sovereign plans. (Think Isaac and Rebekah or Ruth and Boaz.) He can use arranged marriages, or even a singles bar to bring people together. Why not e-Harmony?
If I ever found myself in the dating world again, I don’t know if I’d try an online service or not. I think not. But I’m not there, so I can’t be certain. Would you?
Yeah, what Jeanne said.
I agree. We need another answer to a shrugged “trust God.” A lot of hurting people out there. And yes, I absolutely agree that we are fulfilled truly through Christ. God also designed us to be with people, both in larger community and in marriage. Only a few have the gift of celibacy, and I wonder if we try to make that peg fit into too many holes. Oh, I’m still single. I must be one of the celibant.
So thanks for raising the issue.
Mike, you do realize there are a number of parallels here with publishing, right? I think what I wrote today about “giants” applies.
Interestingly Allistair Begg, a pastor who’s radio broadcast Truth for Life (KKLA at 8:00 AM), is airing a sermon series on Ruth. On one of the recent programs, he expressed his view that those who know a person well should play a part in setting up a marriageable person, a la Naomi for Ruth with Boaz.
Becky
Very interesting post.
I definitely want to “trust God” in finding a woman. But as you mentioned, how exactly does one practice “trusting God” in the realm of dating? I’m begining to believe that how a couple meets is not nearly as important as what happens after they meet.
Would you believe that there are actually two couple at my church who met at eharmony and got married in the last two years. These seem to be successful matches.
I have no problem with it. I remember at my old church- it was a congregation of about 150, made up of mainly families, and old people. Then there were about 5 singles, ranging in age from 25 to 40. We’re talking normal, attractive,
God- loving people with good jobs. These 5 people pretty much had lives that revolved around the little church- (sunday morning and night, choir, wednesday prayer meeting, committees, etc.) Now all of them said they wanted to get married, but “trusting God” would mean that God would have to lead their mate to that church. I think visiting other churches, finding Christian groups with younger crowds, might have been helpful. I left that church 5 years ago and those guys are all still single.
Hey Mike. I actually wrote a toast for the wedding of the couple you talked about in your post. I am including it here (with the names changed) because I think that it has some relevance to this discussion. Afterwards I have continued with some of my thoughts on the subject you brought up. Here it is.
“As I was thinking this week about what I was going to say today for a toast to John and Jane, my mind automatically started to wander back to a couple of years ago right before John and Jane found each other. I say found each other because, as most of you know, John and Jane did not meet in a very conventional way. They literally sought and found each other through a website on the internet. So as I was saying, my mind was wandering back to the time before they found each other. I remembered the many times that John and I were up late in my apartment talking about the things political philosophy students in graduate school talk about: politics, philosophy, God, and various aspects of human nature. During that time, John became very interested in the subject of love. And if any of you know John, you know that once he becomes interested in something, he wants to know everything there is to know about it. He would ask all sorts of questions about my relationship with my wife and he would constantly read classic books on the subject. One book that really hit John was The Symposium by the philosopher Plato, in which famous ancient men from Athens came together and discussed their thoughts on love. One particular man, the famous poet Aristophanes, told a beautiful myth about the origins of men and women. To give the abbreviated story, Aristaphanes said that originally there was neither man nor woman, but all humans were genderless. Humans were near perfect in this original state and they decided that they were as powerful as gods. Because of this pride, the god Zeus punished them by cutting them in half. One half became man and the other half became woman. Aristophanes explained that love then is “a bringer together of human’s ancient nature.” The desire man and woman have for each other is the desire to be in their original state. We all have the other half of us somewhere in the world and love is the desire within us to find that other half. I think John took this story to heart when he decided to pursue love in an unconventional way. He decided to find his other half rather than wait for fate to bring them together. And I think that John truly found his other half in Jane. If you knew John before he knew Jane and now see him today it is not that he is a completely different person from before. Rather, he is a more complete person. And I know that those that knew Jane before would say the same thing about her. So, as a toast, I want to congratulate the both of you for finding that special person in the world that helps to complete you. ”
As you can see, the ancient myth described in the toast above does not show human relationships as being divinely inspired. In fact, the divine is what ripped humans apart due to their pride. Thus, through this ancient story, it was entirely human reason, ruled by its desire for wholeness, that sought companionship. In Genesis, we do in fact see that the Divine brought together Adam and Eve. I would argue though, that the story of the bringing together of Adam and Eve is completely consistent with the choice of a person, like John, who does not wait for fate, but actively pursues love through the use of his God given reason. Beginning with Genesis 2:18 we see that God reasoned that it was not good for man to be alone. Importantly, though, God does not immediately create Eve as Adam’s companion. Instead, he creates animals from the dust to be his partners. Now, I would assume that God knew that animals would not be the best companions for a human being, but he still brought all of the animals before Adam to name, as though one of them could possibly be his companion. It was only after Adam had gone through all of the animals and they were rejected as his helper that God decided to create Eve. God then created Eve and brought her before Adam. Adam was please with this creature because she was like himself (he named her literally “she-man”). He knew that this would be his companion. One of the many things I take from this story is that it may be the Divine that provides companionship, but God does allow human reason to make the right choice as to who the best companion is. God brought animals before Adam and Adam rightly saw that they were not of his kind. He could never become “one” with these creatures. When God presented Eve, Adam responded as though he had been looking for a creature just like this. He said, “This AT LAST is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…” Adam had been looking for someone just like this and he found it. I think one thing that we can take from this story is that God has created someone else in this world for us, but he allows for us to find them using our reason. In other words, God presents us with many options and he trusts us to make the right choice using the reason he gave us. Web sites like e-harmony are useful because they use the full extent of our human reason to help us find that companion who is given to us by God. In this sense, I do not see how websites like this are taking away from the Divine companionship God has chosen for us.
Please feel free to disagree with me. These are just some of my thoughts on the subject.
Matthew Erickson
Right, I mean what about when you want a job? You can say, “I’m trusting God for a job,” but then don’t persue one, you might just end up unemployed for a long time. why do Christians think it’s okay to LOOK FOR a job, a house, even friends, but not a spouse?
The one thing I wonder about is the “compatability” criteria. So often, the older, happily marrieds I know are opposites in many ways. Look at me- a writer, married to a guy who never (and I mean NEVER) reads books! God’s idea of a good match is not always something that would make sense in human eyes.