Parenting Pitfall: Overreacting

Many car accidents occur by overreacting. For instance, when driving on a slick road, a sharp turn or a turn taken too fast, can easily cause a vehicle to hydroplane. The temptation is to correct the slide by steering the opposite direction. The problem is, in most cases we over-compensate, over-correct to the other side and spin out. Many accidents occur by overreacting to a road hazard or bad turn.

From my experience, overreacting to our kids’ “bad turns” is one of the greatest pitfalls of parenting.

The picture above is the new tattoo on Alayna‘s shoulder. She’s 19, works and goes to college, and still lives at home. Alayna is a good kid. She approached me about a month ago and asked me what I thought about her getting a tattoo. At this point, some parents would freak out. Nevertheless, I told Alayna I didn’t have a problem with it. Of course, we talked a lot about what kind of tattoo she wanted, why she wanted it, and the potential problems that can occur from a hasty decision. (After all, you don’t want to get inked with something you’ll need to remove in 10 years.) Anyway, we had a great discussion and I blessed her decision.

Lisa did not share my enthusiasm. No, she doesn’t believe tattoos are “of the devil.” She just doesn’t think it’s very ladylike — and the fact that her youngest child was the lady getting stamped made it all the more distressing.

So what do we do? Forbid Alayna from getting a tattoo? Tell her to move in with a bunch of bikers because she’s not living with us? Keep her under strict surveillance to ensure she doesn’t visit any tattoo parlors? Or talk her through her decisions, assure her we still love her, and let her decide?

I’m surprised at how many parents overreact in situations like this.

Recently, the child of a close friend of ours was expelled from school for a week or so. The kid is a senior in high school and, up to this point, has been an A student. Not only was their conduct out of character, it blemished a very good track record. So what do you as a parent do? Lock them in their room? Forbid them from seeing friends? Increase their chores? In my opinion, the temptation is to overreact, to punish them excessively.

Oftentimes, our kids’ rebellion is a reaction to our overreaction.

My Dad was abandoned as a child. His stepfather abused him terribly and he often wandered the streets of Monessen, PA, smoking and running with gangs. It was no wonder he became an alcoholic and a disciplinarian; he vowed that we would never undergo the hardships he did. My education was a huge issue to my Dad. He sent me to Catholic school and demanded I get good grades. This was before the age of ADD, so when I brought home D’s and F’s, it wasn’t a matter of therapy or medication. I got beat.

My Dad overreacted, he was far too strict. But how could I blame him? Having gone through what he did, it is understandable that he wanted to steer me in the opposite direction. The problem is, his overreaction caused us to “spin out.” I turned to drugs and drinking, in large part, as a response to my father’s overreaction.

As a father of four, I think about this a lot. We all want our kids to have it better than us, don’t we? We want to break a cycle of abuse or poverty, give them the tools to provide for themselves, instill the proper values, and assure them that they are loved. The problem is that parents can be so driven by their own pain that they overreact to their kids’ “bad turns” and steer too far in the opposite direction.

There’s probably lots of reasons why parents overreact, but here’s a few that come to mind:

• Unreal expectations — we expect more from our children than they are realistically able, at that time, to achieve
• Misunderstanding our child’s’ temperament — we fail to appreciate their unique physiological makeup; demanding a hyperactive kid to calm down is a setup for a spin out
• Inflexibility — our hopes, dreams, reputation become the driving force of our disciplinary response; grace is jettisoned in favor of legalistic compliance
• Unresolved personal pain — we super-impose our spiritual hang-ups on our kids; rather than getting over our junk, we just pass the baton
• Impatience — we don’t want to wait for them to grow up; we want to produce spiritual oaks in the time it takes to grow a radish
• Lack of faith — we simply do not trust God to keep His end of the deal

Someone could object that by discouraging overreaction I am licensing under-reaction. I can understand that opinion. My idea is that God gives every parent a “spiritual six-shooter” and six “silver bullets.” Those bullets are the most important in our arsenal; they constitute confrontation, down-and-dirty discussions, hard-as-nails truth, life-affirming / life-changing resolutions, opinions and perspectives that will shape our relationships forever. You have six such silver bullets and it’s up to you when and how you use them. The problem, as I see it, is that many parents empty that gun far too early, for the wrong things.

My daughter getting a tattoo or a nose ring or bleaching her hair purple does not call for a silver bullet.

Of course, there are times when parents need to be firm and forceful, make judgments and issue resolutions. But from my experience, grace and flexibility are far more important to parenting than demands and declarations.

If you think about it, many of the things your parents fretted over you were probably resolved by time and maturity. You just grew up. Take heart, dear Mom or Dad, your kids will grow up too. So when your daughter wants a tattoo or an ear awl, don’t freak out. When your son fails math or gets caught smoking cigarettes, don’t overreact. In fact, your response may be the difference between their maturity and a spin out. Alternative smoking don’t contribute any toxins to the smoke, so this is usually regarded as the safest material. Look for wholesale company online services about vape for more details.