Later this year, our church will be hosting a seminar on Parenting. Lisa and I have been asked to host a workshop on Parenting Teenagers. I can’t think of two words more volatile when placed together than parents and teenagers. Somehow, we have managed to survive four teenagers, all of whom are now believing, reasonably productive citizens without criminal records, not having drug vapourizer mods, or neck tattoos. Whether or not this qualifies us to teach a class on the subject is another story.
So I’ve been thinking about a simple way to approach the topic and this is what I’ve come up with. Parenting progresses (or should progress), through four phases; each of these phases indicates a particular style of parenting:
- MICRO-MANAGER
- MANAGER
- CONSULTANT / ADVISER
- PARTNER
Each of these parenting styles correlates to specific stages of growth within our children. In the typical family, both parent and child are on growth trajectories. The parent is growing in how to raise their child, while the child is growing within (or challenging) the parameters defined and enforced by their parent. So none of these parenting styles are wrong insofar as they are implemented at the proper stage of the child’s growth.
Infants / Children require MICRO-MANAGEMENT — This stage is marked by constant attention to health, detail and behavior. This is the stage where we begin to frame our moral and behavioral expectations for our children. It’s a pretty small window that closes rather quickly.
Adolescents require MANAGEMENT — This is the stage where we entrust our kids with certain responsibilities and enforce the values we have distilled. Unlike the micro-manager, we don’t need to hawk over them. We should give them a certain amount of freedom to “manage” their own world, but never to the extent that we don’t interject guidance, correction, or affirmation.
Teenagers / Young Adults require CONSULTATION and ADVICE — This is the stage where our kids are (or should be) full-fledged managers of their own lives. By now, they should understand moral parameters and societal obligations. We respect their growing independence by posturing ourselves as consultants and advisers, not managers. As such, they are free to take or leave our advice. (Of course, this does not let them off the hook regarding behavior or responsibility, but it affirms their autonomy and our waning authority.)
Adults require PARTNERSHIP — At this stage, our children are adults and we should treat them like it. Lectures and scolding should be a thing of the past. They must face the harsh consequences of their own decisions or indecision. We should stand shoulder to shoulder with them, not above them as superiors, but as fellow sojourners through life.
Of course, things are never this clear-cut; every child and parental situation is different. But I believe this paradigm is helpful in thinking about parenting teenagers. From my experience, the biggest problem in parenting teens is in trying to manage and micro-manage their behavior, rather than act as consultants and advisers.
“But my teenager is not capable of managing her own life,” some would object. My response:
- Then you were remiss in not raising your child to be morally, financially, relationally, and socially responsible.
- No amount of micro-management will help them now (in fact, it will probably make it worse).
It’s a hard fact, but SOME teenage rebellion is evidence of poor parenting. There, I said it. Of course, not all of it is. Kids aren’t computers that can be programmed to boot up on cue. We and they both need grace. Nevertheless, the reason that some parents resort to micro-managing their teen is in hopes of making up for years of mismanagement on their part.
The micro-managing parent is a parent who is not confident that they’ve laid a proper foundation, fears entrusting their teenager to make the right choice, and does not trust God to handle the outcomes of both. The parent who refuses to let their teen fail, does not entrust them with responsibility, and shields them from the repercussions of their bad choices is micro-managing.
So that’s my going theory. I know, there’s lots of bugs and loopholes. But do you think it holds water? Is it accurate (and sane) to treat teenagers as managers of their own lives? Or are there times when parents need to step in and micro-manage their teen?
“SOME teenage rebellion is evidence of poor parenting.” this is a tough pill to swallow for a lot of parents. But how do you determine where you “went wrong” and where your child “went wrong”? Even great parents can have kids go off the deep end.
Absolutely, good parenting can’t make kids be anything they aren’t — humans. Our oldest daughter went through a tough phase in high school. Up to that point, I thought we were doing a good job. It humbled us and made us re-examine our relationship with her. Which was a good thing. When teenagers “go off the deep end,” I tend to see two extremes on the parent’s part: (1) Overemphasize the kid’s free will (which often takes the parent off the hook), or (2) Begin over-correcting. I just think that humility might be a better posture, part of which may include admitting our teen’s behavior may be a result of our parenting.
Excellent post. It’s rare to find someone who can separate those phases of development as parents and put it into words. There’s as much change required for us as we raise children to adulthood as there is taking place in them, it seems. Humility, honest, and open, thoughtful communication seem to be the key to success!
Blessings!
Thanks, Niki. I’m not sure we parents factor “our growth” into the parenting equation enough. Especially for our first couple of kids, my wife and I were still very much on the front end of the learning curve. So, yes, “humility” and “open, thoughtful communication” are so important. And if “love covers a multitude of sins” (I Peter 4:8), then lotsa love can’t hurt either!
Well said Mr. Duran. I believe you are on the right track. It is sad to see parents leading their children into rebellion as they become teenager’s by either micro-managing their children’s lives way past the sheltering stage and age, or giving their children all freedom from the time they are able to walk. There is a happy medium and this has everything to do with humility and nothing to do with being a control freak. Good luck and have fun in your seminar.
Good Point Edye. Also on the flip side, micro-managing teenagers often leads to other side of the coin from rebellion, failure to launch syndrome, where you kids just never want to leave home. We homeschool are kids and we see a lot of homeschooled late teens/early twenties who are content to just hang around. Still going to the youth group, no desire to finish the 1 or 2 classes they need to graduate, no desire to start a career.
Now my wife and I don’t believe you have to kick your kids out just because they turned 18, but we really hope that when our kids turn 18 they display some sort of enthusiasm for adulthood and can articulate to us a plan for their future that doesn’t involve living in our basement for 10 years.
“failure to launch syndrome” — that’s funny… and so true. I can’t tell you how many parents we know who cater to their teens: pay for their room and board and car insurance and college tuition and parking tickets and wardrobe and… No wonder our kids aren’t motivated to move on.
Lisa and I made it a “rule” with all our kids: When they turned 18, they could remain in our home on two conditions: (1) They had a job and paid rent, or (2) they were paying their own way through college or trade school. Sounds tough? Well, it’s worked. All of our kids have good jobs and only one lives at home. Alayna is 21, works at a grocery store, and is paying her own way through college. Thanks for the comment, RJB!
Love it!!!!!!!
I think this is an excellent perspective. No, life isn’t that clear-cut, but defining the phases a parent/child relationship goes to in those terms does make a lot of sense (at least to me). I’ve had friends whose parents micro-managed their lives into adulthood – in some cases it was, I think, because the parents had made some poor decisions themselves as young adults and thought that creating rules to govern every aspect of their children’s lives until they were married would somehow prevent their children from doing the same. While some children do rebel against that, others become so used to their parents directing their lives that when they are somewhat on their own (out of high school) they are incapable of making their own decisions, and I think that can be worse.
Mike, I think you’re right on target. I’ve never heard anyone explain it that way before. I’m in the midst of teen/preteen years and I’ll be glad once I can quit managing so much. Thank God I started out right–and still need a lot of prayer so we can all finish out right.
My ex-husband and I are parents to a beautiful and vibrant 7 year old girl.
I do admit that I worry about everything when it comes to her health, homework, hygiene, eating habits….etc. . But I don’t think I go overboard. My ex disagrees. We just recently argued because he doesn’t put her to bathe everyday she is with him. She doesn’t always brush her teeth. She recently had a health issue and when I explained how he should care for her he thought she could do it herself because it “seemed like a project” for him to do. That same night he let her go to bed without bathing after I told him that she can get an infection because of the health problem. Unfortunately, it
was his weekend and she really wanted to spend time with him.
Am I a micromanaging parent/person like he says I am or should I just let him handle things his way while with her and not sleep at night???